The Fight Inside

It is the middle of October which means it is time for middle of the semester break downs! The time has come that I am having trouble keeping up with all of my classes. Things start to pile up and my anxiety comes out in full force. The American Educational system does play well with mental illness.

I usually start off the college semester think that I will do better with planning and time management and I will over come what the anxiety says to me. That usually lasts about 2 weeks and then I sort of bottom out because I become so focused on on making school fit in my life that I forget to take care of myself. I almost give up on taking care of my metal state and burn my candle until I can’t take it anymore and I end up having a couple horrible panic attacks and end up in bed or on my couch for about a week and fall behind in most of my classes.

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What I think some people don’t realize is that when my anxiety decides that it is the most important thing in my life, it takes a while for me to recover. Depending on the size of my panic attack, sometimes I don’t feel like myself for a week or more.I fight with my own mind just to get out of bed. So school? It seems almost impossible.

But the show must go on and it is so important to keep myself on track with school so I don’t keep falling behind but also I have to take a step back and take care of myself. Which is really hard when spending my day on the couch staring at a TV watching a marathon of Law and Order SVU. At the end of that day I have to believe that things are going to get better and I will get out of this rut like I always do. In these times, there are very few people who can really help me because I need to be the one to pick myself up. I’m the one fighting my own brain so I’m the one who has to pull out my sword and fight my demons back down. They never go away but they have a cage with a lock that works most of the time.

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6 thoughts on “The Fight Inside

  1. Sparkling Anxiety says:

    Yep, time for midterms. I was doing so well in school, and this week I just can’t seem to pull it together. This happens every semester. This semester’s binge fodder is Grey’s Anatomy. Let me know when you find your motivation.

    Liked by 1 person

    • anxietysnowflake says:

      I have found some new motivation, I wouldn’t consider it to be motivating my fully but it has got me off the couch. It might sounds weird but I started watching RuPaul’s Drag Race and RuPaul has really inspired me. I also got a new therapist so that has re motivated me to take control of my life. Some days are better than others. I try to set mini rewards, like if I finish the homework for this class I will let myself color a page in a coloring book.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Amy says:

    Just caught up with your blog (which I love by the way) and this post hit the nail on the head. I’m not gunna pretend like I know exactly what you’re going through, but this is a pretty spot on description of the struggles of the Tiny Tank every semester. So yeah. If you ever want to talk/vent to someone who “understands”, I gotchu. Plus I miss you. Hopefully we’ll catch up over thanksgiving break! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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