The phone call home to my mother started out great until she started talking about how she had looked at my bank account and saw how much money I had spent on makeup in the past 3 days. She very rightfully yelled at me a bit.
It is two weeks before the end of the semester and I’m losing my mind. That is how I ended up with all the makeup. It might not sound like the two things go together but really, they walk hand in hand in my brain. I have convinced my brain that if my makeup looks amazing then maybe my brain will magically act amazing and not like the Niffler in Fantastic Beasts running around not listening to Newt even though HE IS JUST DOING IT FOR HIS OWN GOOD WHY WON’T HE LISTEN???
My brain would look cute as a Niffler but is also a total asshole. Like yesterday when I had a panic attack in the middle of class and couldn’t stop crying in my professor’s office. None of that $130 I spent in makeup helped anything in that moment. Of course it wouldn’t.
I have a lot of unhealthy habits when it comes to controlling my mental illnesses stemming from years of lying to myself about having it and not letting myself get the proper help. But I keep trying and I never give up. The end of the semester is one of the hardest times because a lot of things pile up and I have to fight the urge to curl up in bed and just give up every single day.
I keep myself going by reminding myself of who I want to be.
I want to be a writer, I want to inspire people with mental illness, I want to be the girl who gets up the first time her alarm goes off.
It doesn’t matter how many times the Niffler gets out of the suitcase, as long as you always chase it down and not beat it up when you put it away, but treat it with kindness and understanding. You can’t control everything but you can always keep trying.
(too many Fantastic Beasts References? Never.)