There is something really important I need to share. Depression can come with a very fun friend, uncontrollable anger. Sometimes, I will get angry at the smallest things but my reaction to it is anything but small.
I don’t want to be angry but it feels like there is nothing I can do to stop it. And that makes me angrier because I just want to be in control. It seems like a never ending spiral that has no way out.
But unfortunately, depression had a way out, complete and utter shame. My anger ceases to be outward and goes inward. I am mad at myself for upsetting the people around me. I’m mad that i can’t be normal. I’m mad that I let something small bother me again. But I didn’t let it, it took over me.
Sometimes I yell at people I loved and care about and I don’t know how to apologize for the asshole my brain is because I’m that asshole. To me, parts of my brain feel separate from who I actually am but to others, it’s just me, the girl who started screaming because her bite splint didn’t fit after the dentist. I sound like a crazy person screaming about that shit. Maybe because I am that crazy person, at least a piece of my brain is.